Literature

I need reading material in the shitter.  Ideally, my favourite (douche) periodical, US Weekly, or something of the like.  If it would be the top choice on the reading list of a 14 year old girl, that's what I want.  But, I'll read anything.  Actually, now that I think about it, my reading interests for the bathroom are the same for the waiting room at the doctors office, minus a Highlights, Prevention, or Pregnancy magazine. All of which I would still read while shitting, I just would never prefer them.  In the bathrooms at my parents house, there is AMPLE reading material.  All sorts of mags, inspirational quote books, AARP, Delia's catalogue (jk), Aamo Magazine (gun mag!), Cabela's (a camping magazine--no one in my family goes camping, but still); Mom keeps it stocked.  Is this a Jewish thing, I wondered?  Because I started thinking about all my Jew friends and their bathrooms, and I realized, in all of these Judaic WCs, there are plentiful reading materials, and extra toilet paper rolls within reach.  My gentile friends on the other hand--no reading material! In a gentile bathroom, there is no evidence that a long, painful (or pleasant!) shit has ever taken place.  No artifacts left behind! Jews set their bathrooms up like a living room and feel no shame in doing so.  In stocking it with things to do, we're saying to the world, "Yeah! We spend a good amount of time in here. And why not make it fun and educational?" We're not afraid to make shitting enjoyable.  And the gentile commodes--what do you guys DO in there?  Is your shitting so easy and quick that not a page is needed to help things get rolling?  Does not a bead of sweat appear upon your brow? Are you even shitting in there? I know you are, but I feel like the message you're sending to me with your magazineless bathroom is like, "Nope.  Nothing's happening in here.  Shitting? What? Nah... I don't shit.  I don't even have an asshole...yeah, I know, isn't that weird?"  It may be a blanket statement but my Jewish friends communicate about their shitting at a MUCH higher frequency than my non-Jew friends.

In the event that there is no reading material in a bathroom for me, I will read anything.  Such as: shampoo bottles, body wash containers, face wash ingredients, Lysol warning labels, the Binghamton Bearcats Alumni Magazine, ANYTHING. If it has words on it, I'm going in.

Just some anthropological observations. I was talking about this last night with my friend and we were laughing so fucking hard.  The fact that we will frantically read Shampoo bottle labels KILLS ME.  Why do we do that?  What's the psychology behind the need to read while dropping one? Do you guys know?

xoxo

Vegan Organic Drug Dealer

Hey guys. My name is Michael Wright and I'm a Vegan Organic Drug Dealer.  All of my stuff is totally organic, fair-trade, vegan, gluten-free, bio-dynamic, and sustainable.  No mules were harmed in the cultivation of my cocaine.  No maneure was used on the soil I grow my weed in.  No wheat crops were ever grown in or around my fields.  Everything I use to treat my soil is chemical free and totally natural.  Nothing that I put into the earth is wasted.  Just totally plant based and sustainable harvesting practices.  So you can rest easy that the drugs you're doing are totally green.  I'm pretty available most of the day, except between the hours of 5 and 8 am, when I am meditating and chanting, and from 1-3 when I am doing Vinyasa yoga.  Oh, 9-10 is my hour of silent gratitude, so I won't answer my phone then.  But other than those times, I'm free.  So if you need anything, call me, or stop by my place. Cool. Thanks.

A Haiku

I did not know if
My dress was a dress or a shirt
Can you see my vag?

Can I Get a Witness

You know when you're talking to someone and you're like "UGH, you're such a selfish, bratty asshole" and they're like "hot yoga is so cleansing" and you want to stab yourself in the leg?

You know when you're almost going to shit your pants at your desk and someone emails you and is like "hey can you scan me those invoices" and you're like ..."I just took a shit in my pants brb"

You know when your cat is rubbing her body against your leg at 7 am while you're making coffee and you fantasize about punting her but don't and then feel like a bad person for having such violent thoughts and then you're like UGH I fucking HATE French Vanilla coffee who buys this shit.

You know when this morning you were thinking why doesn't so & so try to bang me and then you remember yourself at CVS last night in your stained sweatpants saying to yourself "FUCK IT WHATEVER" as your hand made contact with Ben & Jerry's CD (Cookie Dough, for you layman).

You know when you're complaining to your friend about being a lazy piece of shit and she's like, "No, you're not, Jinessa.  You're always so busy."

You know when someone texts you and they're like "are you free to talk right now?" and you're like "No, I'm in a meeting" but you're not in a meeting?

You know when you keep missing the same persons calls, and you're like "They always call at the wrong time." And then your friend Reyshawn is like, "it'll never be the right time." and you're like, "OMG, you are so right.  I just had an ephiphany! It's not the timing, it's just that I never want to talk to her." And Reyshawn is like, "that'll be $6.89."

You know when you're like, "all my friends are white. UGH.  I need to diversify."

You know when you think about making your own hummus for 12 seconds then you're like, "WHO WAS I KIDDING! I'm not making my own hummus!" and then you wipe the sweat off your eyebrows and you're like, PHEW. That was intense.

Jordan Catalano

I'm in love with a hottiefashottiewithabodynotsnottie in my office.  He ain't friendly, y'all! But that's okay, because I'm gonna Angela Chase his ass.  Just because he doesn't realize he wants to do me yet, doesn't mean it's not gonna happen, bitchez.  He walks past my desk approximately two times a day, and I am thrilled to report that this morning, he WAVED at me! WAVED AT ME! Which is an improvement from the usual reluctant head nod.  However, after this morns epic wave, he walked past me and showed me no love. WTF, Benjamin? Do you love me or do you just like me? You wave at me, and then you act like you don't know me four hours later.  LIKE THE WAVE MEANT NOTHING.  I'm not going to wait around for you forever, Benjamin.  K THANKS BYE! XXXXXXOOOOO <3 8==> <3

Apartment Hunting

I know it's hard to believe, but at my very busy office job today, I was able to squeeze in some "me" time to blog (that's a vaginal sentence, if I ever saw one!).  Which reminds me of something I was thinking about yesterday when I was thinking about my peers. GUYS:  YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED OR SPAWN, IS ME TIME.  Just incase you weren't sure, I wanted to clear it up.
ANYwho, this morning, when not being the picture of productivity at the desk, I was Craigslisting.  My sublet ends in a few weeks and I need a new space. (You can really tell a lot about a person in how they describe their living quarters--
Space: a new agey person, maybe named Michael, who is spiritual and "into energy" and says things like, "Wow, what an incredible space.  We could turn the southwest corner into a meditation space, and Raya (his two year old daughter) would really enjoy the sunlight coming in from the northeast for her painting hour."
Apartment: Someone who is realistic with where they are at in life. Someone who goes to the laundromat, begrudgingly.
Home: Someone who wants to move back in with Mom & Dad, or someone who wants to breastfeed in the next two years. 

Sidetrack city! Ok the point is, I was on Craigslist, and I got to thinking about (am I Carrie Bradshaw?) the little things you don't think about when finding an apartment, so I want to make a list so that I, and you, world, will remember to check these things out. You'll thank me!
1) First Stop In Apartment: THE BATHROOM. Test out:
-Shower Pressure:  I like the water to come out with such a force that I feel like my scalp might rip in half.  There is nothing worse in the shower world than a tender, soft, gentle water pressure.  If I wanted to be pissed on, I'd mention it on my OkCupid profile. My goal is to get clean in the shower, so, abuse me, shower head!
-Toilet Flushing Power: If you have the sucking power to choke down a ten pound kielbasa, you're my kind of toilet.  "Industrial" strength is what you want.  I need a toilet I can trust, one that doesn't keep me on my toes. 
.....those are pretty much the MOST important things in an apartment, in my opinion.  Just showerin' and shittin' y'all!

K THANKS BYE!

Text Message Laughter

Shout oot to all my funny friends who I sent "funny ideas" to via text message: LISTEN UP
Actual text thread:

Me: (working on a bit) "During our menses we enjoy fluting and weaving various accoutrements"

Drew: "haha"

OK.  I thought my text was FUCKING hilarious and just BRILLIANT.  When you send such a text, you expect the response to be IMMEDIATELY fired off, after the recipient gathers themselves after their uncontrollable laughter.  You also expect the response to include as many ha's as it takes to convey the magnitude of the laugh your text caused--which, in the aforementioned case, was at LEAST 10 ha's.  For all you ignoramuses, here is a breakdown of the proper text laugh conveyance etiquette (begrudging sigh and hair flip):

ONE HA: Not funny. As in, after you hear a Larry the Cable Guy joke, you say, "Ha."  Meaning, I see how that would be funny if I was a redneck idiot in West Virginia and I was sitting on the couch enjoying a Coors Light after a laborious day at the metal scrap yard.

TWO HA's: Not funny, but B for effort.  As in, when you're 8th grade English teacher made an unintentional joke when you were reading Chapter 3 of The Diary of Anne Frank.  As she was sitting at her desk, she went to put her blazer on, and said, "Ok, turn to page 78 of The Diary of Ann Taylor." You said "haha" meaning, Mrs. Dasher, you're so fucking cute, and the fact that you could confuse Anne Frank with Ann Taylor makes me love you even more.

THREE HA's: An inquisitive laugh, beckoning the question, "Was that funny? I think so but I don't want to get ahead of myself with...

FOUR HA's: That's funny! hahahaha is the type of response where you can give yourself a pat on the back.

FIVE HA's: hahahahaha means YOU FUCKING KILL ME.

SIX + HA's: It's time to send your text to Twitterville, you hilarious comedian you!

**Also, if you capitalize any of the ha's, it bumps the meaning up to another ha without having to add the next ha.  So, a three ha's, if capitalized, is really a four ha's. If a five ha's is capitalized, the sender is saying I JUST SHIT MY PANTS.

So, Drew, I love you, but you can take your two ha's and go fuck yourself with them!  K THANX BYE!!

Thanksgiving Reflections by Rhonda Winterstern

HI GUYZ!  A friend of mine, Rhonda Winterstern, is a feminist potter who is the owner of Kiln Me Softly, a pottery studio that I go to when I am in need of feminine energy and creative, sensual expression.  Rhonda doesn't use the internet, so she called me up and asked me if I would transcribe and post here her Thanksgiving Message.  So here it is!

"Good day, world!  I am delighted to be sharing with the internet my musings and thoughts as we bid adieu to Thanksgiving, the autumnal holiday of gratitude.  My own Thanksgiving was powerful, delightful, and rich with thanks givings.  In homage to the founders of our America, Gwen (my partner) and I took part in our annual Native American Thanksgiving Ritual.  I am sure you are very curious about just what we do during our Native American Thanksgiving Ritual, so I will provide you with all details so that perhaps you will have your own NATR next year.

In August, Gwen and I begin collecting various accoutrements for our Woodland Indian Festivus, such as twigs, logs, leaves and mosses. (NOTE: We use ONLY natural pieces that have fallen to ground on their own time)  Once all of the items have been collected, we begin the construction of our wigwam.  **It is important to be dressed for natural construction, so we choose to wear our favorite vegan shoes by KEEN.  We also make sure to fuel our bodies for physical activity, so Gwen, who is quite the chef, made for us a bountiful spread of Quinoa, roasted pumpkin seeds, a lovely minted tahini, and an exquisite saffron Butternut Squash bisque.  Together we blessed the meal with a sage burning ritual, and sat down with love and gratitude and enjoyed our plant based meal.  

We then fastened our compound tools to our loosely slung hemp tool belts and began to...oh, please hold on one brief moment."**At this point in the conversation Rhon put me on hold for 7 minutes.  She returned.
"Yes, I am so sorry.  Our dear friend Obsidian is having a kiln emergency.  She had set her kiln to 478 Degrees Fahrenheit, which is five degrees over the limit set by The UKAA (The United Kiln Association of America), and all of her holiday pottery has crumbled.  Gwen and I must go out once to hold a Women's Circle of Peace. A bientot!"

Sorry guys.  I will post the rest of Rhon's Thanksgiving Message when she calls me back. K thanks bye!

The Book of Blog (Old Testament)

Guten morgen mother fuckers!  I'm still full from Thanksgiving.  I am envious of people who ate like normal humanoids on Thanksgiving, but, when you are a fattie like me, Thanksgiving is an exercise in HOW MUCH CAN I EAT BEFORE I DIE.  So fuck all y'all skinny ass hoes.
Last night, Drew and I went to see Breaking Dawn.  We fled the Davis Theatre after Jacob saw Bella's pregant bod.  We left because a) were were hungry, b) we weren't thrilled by the movie, c) we were only there to see the f*cking and d) we were hungry.  (When a Jew realizes he/she is hungry, they can think of nothing besides how/where/what they are going to shove in their face.)  How did I feel about bailing on this cinematic master piece, you ask?  I was a mix of emotions.  I was proud that I felt like a smart, mature Lady who felt above Breaking Dawn,  I was a bit fearful that I might be missing a SUPERB ending that righted the wrongs of the boring, repressed, TOO dramatic opening half hour, and excited about the Indian food I was going to eat.
After the excitement of last night, feeling like a newly mature feminist woman who is above the Mormon fueled bullshit of Breaking Dawn, I am thinking about a few things this morning.  1) I want to be skinny, and 2) I think what the world needs now is my insight into the world via a blog.  What is a blog, you ask?  A blog is a self indulgent little diddy on the world wide web where one person, thinking their input on daily life is SO important that it must be given a sacred space on the internet, writes about things.  I will write about important things.  My blog will be like New York Magazine, give and take a few sections.  What will be here:
1) Things I Eat
2) Things I See
3) Things I Feel
4) Things I Smell (i.e., farts)
5) Things I Create
6) Interviews/guest posts by various Personalities

What Won't Be Here
1) Political Views
2) Intellectual musings
3) Anything unrelated to my personal/professional life...because, I only care about MY life.

So grab onto your balls and get ready for some good old fashioned bloggin, y'all!