I haven't blogged (that sounds dirty to me, i.e., "I blogged the shit outta her the other night bro") in WEEKS! WEEKS! How did the earth continue to spin? Babies continue to shit? My mom continue to knit tiny neck pieces? Tis a mystery. But I'm back. I know you must be relieved. I thought I would take you into the pages of a brilliant, sacred text that has been seen by very, very few people. Yes, you bougie ass hoes, I'm going to just transcribe some diddies from my comedy notebook! (ALSO NEWSFLASH: Did you know that you only have to put one space between a period and the first word of a new sentence?!? HOLY FUCK! I THOUGHT IT WAS TWO! As I was perusing the Chicago Manual of Style the other day (cause that's how a nigga rolls), I came upon this information, and nearly DIED of shame--all the cover letters, all the articles I had written for the New Yorker, all the muckraking pamphlets I had sent out...all using TWO SPACES BETWEEN SENTENCES. Anyway, I have recovered from this trauma with the help of meditation and forgiveness. So here's the comedy gold, unedited, uncut, capitalization for enthusiasm (for what I thought was hilarious at the moment of writing)!!!!!!!
-Bridezilla is an actual monster: "I heard her vagina is 50 feet tall!!" "THIS LATTE ISN'T SKIM!!!!" (and then she violently bites the Barista's head off)
At the "Fancy Party"
"Look, Reginald, even the server is fancy."
"Oh, Liptyn, do tell us of your poverty more!"
"There's so much foie here!"
"How do you pronounce it? Re-sesh-un? I thought it was French! I was saying Ree-say-see-yon!"
"I thought a student loan was when one borrows a student from the University to educate the help!"
"Bab, I just love that gilded broach!" ...."Oh, this old thing?"
"This sparkling water is divine!"..."Isn't it? It's infused with gold!"
"Starbucks is so proletariat. I'm looking for some venture capitalists to start up Goldbucks."
"Aren't these discussions of our wealth divine?"
Game Show: "Aspergers or Asshole" where contestants are shown pictures or interactions between two people and they have to guess if one of the people has Aspergers, or is just an asshole.
Film an actual Match.com/JDate--b/c the commercials on TV of an "actual" Match.com date are NOT anything like any date I've ever been on
The Lonely Couple
"I just wish we had someone to stay in with tonight."
"I just wish we had someone to come home to."
"I wish we had someone to go to dinner with."
"Valentine's Day is so depressing when you're a couple."
Crazy girl fighting with herself "You're so defensive!"
Said with passion, in the heat of confrontation, "It's not about the mango lassi, it's about our relationship!"
Midwife Crisis
When you're at a restaurant and you're dining partner is like, "I'm SO full" my first thought is, does that mean I have to stop eating?
When I go on vacation with my friends, I am always the fat friend who is like, "When are we eating lunch, guys?" or, "I want ice cream!"
You know you're a fat slob when...
You cancel plans because you're too full to socialize.
Your jeggings are tight.
Quote Girl--whenever you have a conversation with her, after everything you say she says, "That reminds me of this quote! I think it was Thoreau?..." and then gives the quote that is actually from Katy Perry in a Cosmo interview
Said very aggressively..."It comes with peanut butter...IT COMES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!"
Said by a woman after my own heart at Max Brenners in New York..."Hi, yes, I'll have the Smores Sundae...oh, it's for two? Oh...yeah that's fine. No, just one spoon. Thanks...Oh, wait! Can I have skim milk for my coffee? Thanks!"
You give a Vegan Cookbook as a gift to a vegan but none of the recipes are vegan--film it
**I HAVE ABOUT 12 PAGES IN MY NOTEBOOK WHERE I TALK ABOUT THE SERIES FINALE OF SIX FEET UNDER** followed by the joke, "Is anyone still crying from the Six Feet Under series fnale?" I was probaby crying when I wrote it.
Yearbook Club "GUYS! We only have THREE YEARS to finish this yearbook!"
Superlatives:
Most Socially Awkward
Most Creepy
Most Likely To Be a Serial Killer
Most Likely to Contract HPV in Their First Semester of College
Most Likely to Breastfeed in Public
Most Immigranty
Most Likely to Blow the Principal
Most Bulimic
Most Jesus-y
Most Masterbated to Teacher
Best Cunnilingus
Most Closeted
Most Needed Rhinoplasty
Most Successful Drug Dealer
**The head of the yearbook is Mr. Turney, the kind of guy who would dry clean all 30 of his multi colored button up shirts and then say to the girl who works there, "Excuse me? Where's my mustard colored shirt?" when he didn't see it; it was tucked behind his "Butter Yellow" shirt. He married one of his students; he sits on the back of his chair when he thinks he's delivering enlightening, thought provoking lectures; he used to tap dance as a child (and still does on occasion); he always chaperones school dances, saying, "I would hate to miss a good photo-op for the yearbook!" He thinks of himself as a young Ed Harris; he doesn't watch football but LOVES to watch the Winter Olympics, specifially the figure skating and gymnastics. He has a shitzhu named Amy Tan, after his favorite author. People always assume he's gay.
from the In Ten Years Segment...
"In ten years, I will have a trainer, a huge house in Scarsdale, and a nanny named Consuela."-Jessica Rosenstein
Awkward Romance Novel
"As he thrust hard into me, I let out a deafening queef."
"As he plundered me from behind, I caught a glimpse of last nights dinner on my buttocks, and was overcome with insecurity. I commanded him to stop. As he exited me, I was startled by the sound of a fart that was not my own. For a brief moment I had thought it was a dog barking in the distance. Both Stedmond and I knew that this would be our last night together."
Alt. Version: "As we layed together in post coital bliss, we stared into each others eyes, searching for the future, both in half disbelief that we were reunited after all of these years apart. As he opened his mouth to say something, I farted so loudly the neighbors dog started barking."
Jewiest Lady Names:
Lois Weintraub
Debrah Leibowitz
Lisa Rosenfeld
Doris Goldman
Ruth Goldstein
At an Upper East Side swanky vegan restaurant, an assholey type dad comes up to me (their waitress) and says, "It's Dylan's 10th birthday. Please make him feel very special." I was like, "Do you want me to blow him?"
I love it when people who have no idea about anything (i.e., like the recent Princeton grad I stood in front of on a standby line at a UCB show) make statements about careers that seem "fun" to them:
-this kid, wearing a Faconable T-Shirt, was telling his friend (they both just graduated from P-ton) how he wants to "try" to support himself b/c he feels "weird" having his parents pay for him to live in New York City. He was an actor. You know how sometimes you can just TELL that an actor is a horrible actor when you are interacting with them in daily life? Anyways, he was thinking about doing stand up because it looks "fun". He thinks he's funny but he was like, "but it's not like anyone is ever like, "Omg, Dylan, you're so funny." This kid had the confidence of a 12 year old girl who just got prescribed Accutane and is wearing a T shirt with a horse on it, white Wrangler jeans (with bunchy knees), velcro sneakers, and has a crush on a boy named Todd who is really into bugs in amber. YA NOT FUNNY DYLAN! IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Sensitive Nazis "I just feel really bad Edelheid...that Jew was SO cute."
"Creative" Phys Ed teachers who like to do alternative activities like Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and Rebounding. They make their own Mix CDs for the school's boom box. These CDs ALWAYS have Elton John songs slipped in between hip hop songs from 5-10 years ago, like, "Ghetto Superstar"
Dog People: "Lindon, our Italian toy Greyhound, loves organic peanut butter. He's such a little gentleman! A real love sponge. He is so loving. Dogs just accept you unconditionally. Sometimes we think he's the reincarnation of my grandfather. He's so soulful."
Me: "We really need to get our shit together. If we want this to be our career, we have to treat it like work."
Drew: "Totally, Ay. Do you want Thai food?"
Birdhouses (me wondering what birds think of birdhouses) and thinking of a bird with the voice of a 68 year old portly, friendly black man who goes into the birdhouse, noshes on some seeds, then, whilst perched in the door hole, says, "Well, I guess I'll just be on my way." (I laughed for a good two minutes thinking about this)
-Bridezilla is an actual monster: "I heard her vagina is 50 feet tall!!" "THIS LATTE ISN'T SKIM!!!!" (and then she violently bites the Barista's head off)
At the "Fancy Party"
"Look, Reginald, even the server is fancy."
"Oh, Liptyn, do tell us of your poverty more!"
"There's so much foie here!"
"How do you pronounce it? Re-sesh-un? I thought it was French! I was saying Ree-say-see-yon!"
"I thought a student loan was when one borrows a student from the University to educate the help!"
"Bab, I just love that gilded broach!" ...."Oh, this old thing?"
"This sparkling water is divine!"..."Isn't it? It's infused with gold!"
"Starbucks is so proletariat. I'm looking for some venture capitalists to start up Goldbucks."
"Aren't these discussions of our wealth divine?"
Game Show: "Aspergers or Asshole" where contestants are shown pictures or interactions between two people and they have to guess if one of the people has Aspergers, or is just an asshole.
Film an actual Match.com/JDate--b/c the commercials on TV of an "actual" Match.com date are NOT anything like any date I've ever been on
The Lonely Couple
"I just wish we had someone to stay in with tonight."
"I just wish we had someone to come home to."
"I wish we had someone to go to dinner with."
"Valentine's Day is so depressing when you're a couple."
Crazy girl fighting with herself "You're so defensive!"
Said with passion, in the heat of confrontation, "It's not about the mango lassi, it's about our relationship!"
Midwife Crisis
When you're at a restaurant and you're dining partner is like, "I'm SO full" my first thought is, does that mean I have to stop eating?
When I go on vacation with my friends, I am always the fat friend who is like, "When are we eating lunch, guys?" or, "I want ice cream!"
You know you're a fat slob when...
You cancel plans because you're too full to socialize.
Your jeggings are tight.
Quote Girl--whenever you have a conversation with her, after everything you say she says, "That reminds me of this quote! I think it was Thoreau?..." and then gives the quote that is actually from Katy Perry in a Cosmo interview
Said very aggressively..."It comes with peanut butter...IT COMES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!"
Said by a woman after my own heart at Max Brenners in New York..."Hi, yes, I'll have the Smores Sundae...oh, it's for two? Oh...yeah that's fine. No, just one spoon. Thanks...Oh, wait! Can I have skim milk for my coffee? Thanks!"
You give a Vegan Cookbook as a gift to a vegan but none of the recipes are vegan--film it
**I HAVE ABOUT 12 PAGES IN MY NOTEBOOK WHERE I TALK ABOUT THE SERIES FINALE OF SIX FEET UNDER** followed by the joke, "Is anyone still crying from the Six Feet Under series fnale?" I was probaby crying when I wrote it.
Yearbook Club "GUYS! We only have THREE YEARS to finish this yearbook!"
Superlatives:
Most Socially Awkward
Most Creepy
Most Likely To Be a Serial Killer
Most Likely to Contract HPV in Their First Semester of College
Most Likely to Breastfeed in Public
Most Immigranty
Most Likely to Blow the Principal
Most Bulimic
Most Jesus-y
Most Masterbated to Teacher
Best Cunnilingus
Most Closeted
Most Needed Rhinoplasty
Most Successful Drug Dealer
**The head of the yearbook is Mr. Turney, the kind of guy who would dry clean all 30 of his multi colored button up shirts and then say to the girl who works there, "Excuse me? Where's my mustard colored shirt?" when he didn't see it; it was tucked behind his "Butter Yellow" shirt. He married one of his students; he sits on the back of his chair when he thinks he's delivering enlightening, thought provoking lectures; he used to tap dance as a child (and still does on occasion); he always chaperones school dances, saying, "I would hate to miss a good photo-op for the yearbook!" He thinks of himself as a young Ed Harris; he doesn't watch football but LOVES to watch the Winter Olympics, specifially the figure skating and gymnastics. He has a shitzhu named Amy Tan, after his favorite author. People always assume he's gay.
from the In Ten Years Segment...
"In ten years, I will have a trainer, a huge house in Scarsdale, and a nanny named Consuela."-Jessica Rosenstein
Awkward Romance Novel
"As he thrust hard into me, I let out a deafening queef."
"As he plundered me from behind, I caught a glimpse of last nights dinner on my buttocks, and was overcome with insecurity. I commanded him to stop. As he exited me, I was startled by the sound of a fart that was not my own. For a brief moment I had thought it was a dog barking in the distance. Both Stedmond and I knew that this would be our last night together."
Alt. Version: "As we layed together in post coital bliss, we stared into each others eyes, searching for the future, both in half disbelief that we were reunited after all of these years apart. As he opened his mouth to say something, I farted so loudly the neighbors dog started barking."
Jewiest Lady Names:
Lois Weintraub
Debrah Leibowitz
Lisa Rosenfeld
Doris Goldman
Ruth Goldstein
At an Upper East Side swanky vegan restaurant, an assholey type dad comes up to me (their waitress) and says, "It's Dylan's 10th birthday. Please make him feel very special." I was like, "Do you want me to blow him?"
I love it when people who have no idea about anything (i.e., like the recent Princeton grad I stood in front of on a standby line at a UCB show) make statements about careers that seem "fun" to them:
-this kid, wearing a Faconable T-Shirt, was telling his friend (they both just graduated from P-ton) how he wants to "try" to support himself b/c he feels "weird" having his parents pay for him to live in New York City. He was an actor. You know how sometimes you can just TELL that an actor is a horrible actor when you are interacting with them in daily life? Anyways, he was thinking about doing stand up because it looks "fun". He thinks he's funny but he was like, "but it's not like anyone is ever like, "Omg, Dylan, you're so funny." This kid had the confidence of a 12 year old girl who just got prescribed Accutane and is wearing a T shirt with a horse on it, white Wrangler jeans (with bunchy knees), velcro sneakers, and has a crush on a boy named Todd who is really into bugs in amber. YA NOT FUNNY DYLAN! IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Sensitive Nazis "I just feel really bad Edelheid...that Jew was SO cute."
"Creative" Phys Ed teachers who like to do alternative activities like Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and Rebounding. They make their own Mix CDs for the school's boom box. These CDs ALWAYS have Elton John songs slipped in between hip hop songs from 5-10 years ago, like, "Ghetto Superstar"
Dog People: "Lindon, our Italian toy Greyhound, loves organic peanut butter. He's such a little gentleman! A real love sponge. He is so loving. Dogs just accept you unconditionally. Sometimes we think he's the reincarnation of my grandfather. He's so soulful."
Me: "We really need to get our shit together. If we want this to be our career, we have to treat it like work."
Drew: "Totally, Ay. Do you want Thai food?"
Birdhouses (me wondering what birds think of birdhouses) and thinking of a bird with the voice of a 68 year old portly, friendly black man who goes into the birdhouse, noshes on some seeds, then, whilst perched in the door hole, says, "Well, I guess I'll just be on my way." (I laughed for a good two minutes thinking about this)
