Literature

I need reading material in the shitter.  Ideally, my favourite (douche) periodical, US Weekly, or something of the like.  If it would be the top choice on the reading list of a 14 year old girl, that's what I want.  But, I'll read anything.  Actually, now that I think about it, my reading interests for the bathroom are the same for the waiting room at the doctors office, minus a Highlights, Prevention, or Pregnancy magazine. All of which I would still read while shitting, I just would never prefer them.  In the bathrooms at my parents house, there is AMPLE reading material.  All sorts of mags, inspirational quote books, AARP, Delia's catalogue (jk), Aamo Magazine (gun mag!), Cabela's (a camping magazine--no one in my family goes camping, but still); Mom keeps it stocked.  Is this a Jewish thing, I wondered?  Because I started thinking about all my Jew friends and their bathrooms, and I realized, in all of these Judaic WCs, there are plentiful reading materials, and extra toilet paper rolls within reach.  My gentile friends on the other hand--no reading material! In a gentile bathroom, there is no evidence that a long, painful (or pleasant!) shit has ever taken place.  No artifacts left behind! Jews set their bathrooms up like a living room and feel no shame in doing so.  In stocking it with things to do, we're saying to the world, "Yeah! We spend a good amount of time in here. And why not make it fun and educational?" We're not afraid to make shitting enjoyable.  And the gentile commodes--what do you guys DO in there?  Is your shitting so easy and quick that not a page is needed to help things get rolling?  Does not a bead of sweat appear upon your brow? Are you even shitting in there? I know you are, but I feel like the message you're sending to me with your magazineless bathroom is like, "Nope.  Nothing's happening in here.  Shitting? What? Nah... I don't shit.  I don't even have an asshole...yeah, I know, isn't that weird?"  It may be a blanket statement but my Jewish friends communicate about their shitting at a MUCH higher frequency than my non-Jew friends.

In the event that there is no reading material in a bathroom for me, I will read anything.  Such as: shampoo bottles, body wash containers, face wash ingredients, Lysol warning labels, the Binghamton Bearcats Alumni Magazine, ANYTHING. If it has words on it, I'm going in.

Just some anthropological observations. I was talking about this last night with my friend and we were laughing so fucking hard.  The fact that we will frantically read Shampoo bottle labels KILLS ME.  Why do we do that?  What's the psychology behind the need to read while dropping one? Do you guys know?

xoxo

Vegan Organic Drug Dealer

Hey guys. My name is Michael Wright and I'm a Vegan Organic Drug Dealer.  All of my stuff is totally organic, fair-trade, vegan, gluten-free, bio-dynamic, and sustainable.  No mules were harmed in the cultivation of my cocaine.  No maneure was used on the soil I grow my weed in.  No wheat crops were ever grown in or around my fields.  Everything I use to treat my soil is chemical free and totally natural.  Nothing that I put into the earth is wasted.  Just totally plant based and sustainable harvesting practices.  So you can rest easy that the drugs you're doing are totally green.  I'm pretty available most of the day, except between the hours of 5 and 8 am, when I am meditating and chanting, and from 1-3 when I am doing Vinyasa yoga.  Oh, 9-10 is my hour of silent gratitude, so I won't answer my phone then.  But other than those times, I'm free.  So if you need anything, call me, or stop by my place. Cool. Thanks.

A Haiku

I did not know if
My dress was a dress or a shirt
Can you see my vag?

Can I Get a Witness

You know when you're talking to someone and you're like "UGH, you're such a selfish, bratty asshole" and they're like "hot yoga is so cleansing" and you want to stab yourself in the leg?

You know when you're almost going to shit your pants at your desk and someone emails you and is like "hey can you scan me those invoices" and you're like ..."I just took a shit in my pants brb"

You know when your cat is rubbing her body against your leg at 7 am while you're making coffee and you fantasize about punting her but don't and then feel like a bad person for having such violent thoughts and then you're like UGH I fucking HATE French Vanilla coffee who buys this shit.

You know when this morning you were thinking why doesn't so & so try to bang me and then you remember yourself at CVS last night in your stained sweatpants saying to yourself "FUCK IT WHATEVER" as your hand made contact with Ben & Jerry's CD (Cookie Dough, for you layman).

You know when you're complaining to your friend about being a lazy piece of shit and she's like, "No, you're not, Jinessa.  You're always so busy."

You know when someone texts you and they're like "are you free to talk right now?" and you're like "No, I'm in a meeting" but you're not in a meeting?

You know when you keep missing the same persons calls, and you're like "They always call at the wrong time." And then your friend Reyshawn is like, "it'll never be the right time." and you're like, "OMG, you are so right.  I just had an ephiphany! It's not the timing, it's just that I never want to talk to her." And Reyshawn is like, "that'll be $6.89."

You know when you're like, "all my friends are white. UGH.  I need to diversify."

You know when you think about making your own hummus for 12 seconds then you're like, "WHO WAS I KIDDING! I'm not making my own hummus!" and then you wipe the sweat off your eyebrows and you're like, PHEW. That was intense.