Womans Dad Talks to Dog with a Tenderness That Wasn’t Present in her Childhood

“He talks to her like she is his baby, but also his new wife,” says Leila Cohen, who recently moved back home to Rockland County from Chicago. “I moved home for the summer to save money before I go to LA,” says the open-mic comedian, with an air of defensiveness.  

According to this non equity jester, her father, Jeffrey Cohen, takes his beloved boxer Gracie to the dog park every day, with an enthusiasm that rivals the birth of her younger brother Jonathan. “The other day I heard him say to her, “Of course we’re going to the dog park to see your friends! You don’t have to beg. You know we’re going!” “, the wannabe Sarah Silverman says. She also states that he refers to Gracie as “her sister.” “Are you happy your sister is home?” Jeffrey asks the purebred, with a subtext that says “I like you more than I like my daughter.”

Leila claims that her Dad has several catch-phrases that he uses on a daily basis with the well muscled kanine, such as “who’s my little girl?” “You’re such a good girl!” “Daddy loves you! Yes he does!” and occasionally “you never disappoint me like my daughter did when I paid for her to go to two years of law school but no, no, she just had to decide to pursue her dreams of being a comedian, which I would have loved to do also, but no, no, when I was her age I had two kids and a wife to support so I had to get a REAL job! You’re my favorite daughter now.”

Leila reports that she is creeped the fuck out by her Dad’s obsession with the toned haunch princess, and resentful that he shows more interest in the dog than he did while she was growing up. “I mean, it’s like, you’re taking her to the dog park and to Petsmart for a new chew toy? Where were you when I needed to go to the mall?”, she says, as she recalls the time she really wanted that mood ring that looked like a tiny watch at Claire’s Accessories but Jeffrey refused to drive her.

“I guess I’m happy for him that Gracie has opened up his softer side...but it’s hard to see. I’m jealous. Of a dog,” the Last Comic Standing hopeful says. “She may be his new favorite daughter, but she is DEFINITELY not my sister,” Leah says, while upstairs her dad is clipping Gracie’s nails and telling her how funny she is, saying, “Gracie, YOU should be the comedian!”

“He monitors her shits like he is a scientist conducting cancer research. My dad doesn’t even know how old I am. The other day when I was crying about my boyfriend dumping me, he goes, “You have to develop a thicker skin, kid. You’re 26.” I’m 28. He knows more about the dogs asshole than he does about my entire life.”

When asked how he feels about his only human daughter, he replied, “The blonde?” When told that his firstborn carrot top daughter was born with red hair, and has always had red hair, he replied, “Really? I always thought she was a blonde!”

“I really shouldn’t waste so much time being upset about something at involves a dog. I’m moving on. Because clearly he has too,” the Jim Gaffigan fan says, while staring into the distance.