How to Make Your Explosive Morning Farts Sound Like Traffic Noise or Singing

If you’re anything like me, every morning sounds like high school band practice, and your asshole is playing every instrument. This can be a fun way to wake up when you’re playing to an audience of one, but what’s a gal to do when cupid’s arrow has roped a hot man into the mix? You’ve got a feeling he’s here to stay, and you’re positive your tempestuous morning thunder is too. We’re here to help, with 5 ways to hide your repulsive morning routine.

1) At night, warn him that ever since you moved into this studio three years ago, they’ve been doing VERY LOUD construction next door every single morning but isn’t it strange that it only seems to last about twenty minutes?

2) Tell him that in this neighborhood, they pick up garbage EVERY MORNING and it sounds like the first ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

3) Advise him that he is welcome to stay over, but you are very disciplined about your singing hobby, and that every morning while still in bed you do a gutteral vocal warm up that sounds like farting but is definitely just a gutteral vocal warm up.

4) Notify him of your difficulty waking up in the morning. Explain that in high school you were traumatized by traditional alarm clock noises, and thus, have sought out niche alarm ring tones on the internet. Go on to say that your alarm sounds like someone having turbulent, rapid, and dramatic farts, and to not be alarmed, it is just your alarm.

5) Inform him that your apartment is haunted by a ghost. Make it clear to him that the ghost is harmless and Casper-y, and that all this phantom really does is make impressively loud farts each morning, and that sometimes they are toxic smelling but mostly they’re all bark and no bite.

Follow these tips and he will have NO IDEA what a filthy pig you are. These tips will bide you around 5 months to three years of stress free asshole acoustics, depending on what kind of fart detective your man is. Rip on, sisters!