What He Actually Means When He Says “Stop Texting Me”

Like Kurt Vonnegut once said, “men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.” And by our late 20s, boy do we hear that! Unearthing the meaning of a text message from your probably future fiance can be a real brain buster--especially when he is 35 and still sleeping on a futon, like Megan’s kind-of-boyfriend. We’ve spoken with five of the dating field’s leading experts to find answers to women’s most pressing question: what does he actually mean when he tells you to stop texting him?

1) I need you to help me help myself. “When your man tells you to leave him alone, what he’s really saying is, I am so obsessed with you that it feels unhealthy and is making my life unmanageable, so could you do me a favor by not talking to me for a week so that I can see my therapist everyday to learn how to function in a world where all I want to do is watch The Bachelor on the couch with you and feel like the luckiest man alive?” -Jamie Stern, camp friend

2) Text me incessantly. “Whenever a guy tells you to stop contacting him, what he’s really saying is, keep it coming. Guys like playing cat and mouse. They need these little back and forth games to make them feel like they are important. So make him feel important. By texting him questions. And then when he doesn’t respond, text him more question marks and exclamation points. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” - Jaqui Lettieri, author of upcoming pamphlet, “How to Use Seasonal Allergies to Get Mad Dick”

3) Let’s get married. “It’s so obvious! When he says to stop texting him, all he’s saying is, enough rhetoric, let’s lock this thing down already. Most likely, he wants you to stop texting him because he’s having lunch with your Dad asking for his permission, or, picking out a ring with your best friend.”-Morgan Friedman, Certified Health Coach and Reiki Infused Jewelry Maker

4) Call me. “All he’s saying is, I prefer talking on the phone/smothering you with affection in person. Not every guy is a texter, especially when he’s texting a witty, gorgeous, funny, brilliant, witty, gorgeous, funny, brilliant woman like you! He wants you to stop texting him because he feels inadequate to your beaming light that shines forth via text! Call him and soothe his pain with your warm voice and enthusiasm.” -Magdalena Isis, internet astrologer

5) Move in with me already. “He’s nervous to ask you to take your relationship to the next level by cohabitating, so he’s trying to send you hints because he’s scared you’ll reject his proposal. ‘Stop texting me’ is his way of saying, we should live together because I hate having to text you to find out what you’re doing every moment. I’d rather constantly know by having you live with me.” -Gretchen Freund, vegan