Local Non Equity Actor Stubs Toe Really Hard

Local non equity actor Drew Huddleston is unsure if his toe is bruised badly or actually broken after aggressive toe stub while getting a glass of water.

“I was walking through the kitchen while I was running lines out loud when I rammed my pinky toe into the island in the kitchen. I screamed!” Drew says. His roommate Alison Dietrich confirms the story, adding, “I heard a really loud scream, but I thought he was just doing his audition sides so I didn’t come out of my room.”

Huddleston says that his toe is really swollen and bruised on the underside. His WebMD searches have left him feeling helpless. “Everything I read says there’s nothing you can do for a broken toe, which is ridiculous. What am I supposed to do?” The local non equity actor has a commercial audition for Pizza Hut tomorrow, and he feels his swollen toe will get in the way of him connecting to the reader. “I’m supposed to be a young care-free bachelor, not a wounded Civil War soldier!” Drew says, bereft.

The actor says that he will do the best he can. “My mom always says, “use it or lose it!”, so I will use this experience in the audition.”

Drew is currently repped by Kitten Heel Talent but is seeking alternate representation. His reel and resume can be found at www.UnlimiteDrew.com.

Local Girlfriend Not Sure if her Boyfriend is Dead or Watching the Cubs Game

Local girlfriend Alyssa Snyder is unsure if her boyfriend is dead or just not responding to her text messages. “I texted him this morning at like 9 and he hasn’t responded yet. But I know that the text was delivered so I am scared.” says Alyssa, at 4:15 CT.

Her boyfriend James Tepper was last seen at the gym doing lats and triceps. Sources report that he had a good workout and was quoted as saying “NICE!” as he exited the X-Port Fitness located in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago.

“He usually responds within three hours. I mean, he’s a really busy guy. Seriously, I just want to know where he is and if he’s okay. He has a peanut allergy.” Snyder says of Tepper, a local beer rep for Goose Island Brewing Co.

When asked if Tepper has the “time seen” function enabled on his iMessages, Snyder responded defensively, “No. But not because he doesn’t want me to know when he reads my texts and doesn’t respond. That’s not why.” When further questioned, she said she doesn’t really know why he disabled this particular iPhone function.

How to Make Your Explosive Morning Farts Sound Like Traffic Noise or Singing

If you’re anything like me, every morning sounds like high school band practice, and your asshole is playing every instrument. This can be a fun way to wake up when you’re playing to an audience of one, but what’s a gal to do when cupid’s arrow has roped a hot man into the mix? You’ve got a feeling he’s here to stay, and you’re positive your tempestuous morning thunder is too. We’re here to help, with 5 ways to hide your repulsive morning routine.

1) At night, warn him that ever since you moved into this studio three years ago, they’ve been doing VERY LOUD construction next door every single morning but isn’t it strange that it only seems to last about twenty minutes?

2) Tell him that in this neighborhood, they pick up garbage EVERY MORNING and it sounds like the first ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

3) Advise him that he is welcome to stay over, but you are very disciplined about your singing hobby, and that every morning while still in bed you do a gutteral vocal warm up that sounds like farting but is definitely just a gutteral vocal warm up.

4) Notify him of your difficulty waking up in the morning. Explain that in high school you were traumatized by traditional alarm clock noises, and thus, have sought out niche alarm ring tones on the internet. Go on to say that your alarm sounds like someone having turbulent, rapid, and dramatic farts, and to not be alarmed, it is just your alarm.

5) Inform him that your apartment is haunted by a ghost. Make it clear to him that the ghost is harmless and Casper-y, and that all this phantom really does is make impressively loud farts each morning, and that sometimes they are toxic smelling but mostly they’re all bark and no bite.

Follow these tips and he will have NO IDEA what a filthy pig you are. These tips will bide you around 5 months to three years of stress free asshole acoustics, depending on what kind of fart detective your man is. Rip on, sisters!

What He Actually Means When He Says “Stop Texting Me”

Like Kurt Vonnegut once said, “men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.” And by our late 20s, boy do we hear that! Unearthing the meaning of a text message from your probably future fiance can be a real brain buster--especially when he is 35 and still sleeping on a futon, like Megan’s kind-of-boyfriend. We’ve spoken with five of the dating field’s leading experts to find answers to women’s most pressing question: what does he actually mean when he tells you to stop texting him?

1) I need you to help me help myself. “When your man tells you to leave him alone, what he’s really saying is, I am so obsessed with you that it feels unhealthy and is making my life unmanageable, so could you do me a favor by not talking to me for a week so that I can see my therapist everyday to learn how to function in a world where all I want to do is watch The Bachelor on the couch with you and feel like the luckiest man alive?” -Jamie Stern, camp friend

2) Text me incessantly. “Whenever a guy tells you to stop contacting him, what he’s really saying is, keep it coming. Guys like playing cat and mouse. They need these little back and forth games to make them feel like they are important. So make him feel important. By texting him questions. And then when he doesn’t respond, text him more question marks and exclamation points. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” - Jaqui Lettieri, author of upcoming pamphlet, “How to Use Seasonal Allergies to Get Mad Dick”

3) Let’s get married. “It’s so obvious! When he says to stop texting him, all he’s saying is, enough rhetoric, let’s lock this thing down already. Most likely, he wants you to stop texting him because he’s having lunch with your Dad asking for his permission, or, picking out a ring with your best friend.”-Morgan Friedman, Certified Health Coach and Reiki Infused Jewelry Maker

4) Call me. “All he’s saying is, I prefer talking on the phone/smothering you with affection in person. Not every guy is a texter, especially when he’s texting a witty, gorgeous, funny, brilliant, witty, gorgeous, funny, brilliant woman like you! He wants you to stop texting him because he feels inadequate to your beaming light that shines forth via text! Call him and soothe his pain with your warm voice and enthusiasm.” -Magdalena Isis, internet astrologer

5) Move in with me already. “He’s nervous to ask you to take your relationship to the next level by cohabitating, so he’s trying to send you hints because he’s scared you’ll reject his proposal. ‘Stop texting me’ is his way of saying, we should live together because I hate having to text you to find out what you’re doing every moment. I’d rather constantly know by having you live with me.” -Gretchen Freund, vegan

Womans Dad Talks to Dog with a Tenderness That Wasn’t Present in her Childhood

“He talks to her like she is his baby, but also his new wife,” says Leila Cohen, who recently moved back home to Rockland County from Chicago. “I moved home for the summer to save money before I go to LA,” says the open-mic comedian, with an air of defensiveness.  

According to this non equity jester, her father, Jeffrey Cohen, takes his beloved boxer Gracie to the dog park every day, with an enthusiasm that rivals the birth of her younger brother Jonathan. “The other day I heard him say to her, “Of course we’re going to the dog park to see your friends! You don’t have to beg. You know we’re going!” “, the wannabe Sarah Silverman says. She also states that he refers to Gracie as “her sister.” “Are you happy your sister is home?” Jeffrey asks the purebred, with a subtext that says “I like you more than I like my daughter.”

Leila claims that her Dad has several catch-phrases that he uses on a daily basis with the well muscled kanine, such as “who’s my little girl?” “You’re such a good girl!” “Daddy loves you! Yes he does!” and occasionally “you never disappoint me like my daughter did when I paid for her to go to two years of law school but no, no, she just had to decide to pursue her dreams of being a comedian, which I would have loved to do also, but no, no, when I was her age I had two kids and a wife to support so I had to get a REAL job! You’re my favorite daughter now.”

Leila reports that she is creeped the fuck out by her Dad’s obsession with the toned haunch princess, and resentful that he shows more interest in the dog than he did while she was growing up. “I mean, it’s like, you’re taking her to the dog park and to Petsmart for a new chew toy? Where were you when I needed to go to the mall?”, she says, as she recalls the time she really wanted that mood ring that looked like a tiny watch at Claire’s Accessories but Jeffrey refused to drive her.

“I guess I’m happy for him that Gracie has opened up his softer side...but it’s hard to see. I’m jealous. Of a dog,” the Last Comic Standing hopeful says. “She may be his new favorite daughter, but she is DEFINITELY not my sister,” Leah says, while upstairs her dad is clipping Gracie’s nails and telling her how funny she is, saying, “Gracie, YOU should be the comedian!”

“He monitors her shits like he is a scientist conducting cancer research. My dad doesn’t even know how old I am. The other day when I was crying about my boyfriend dumping me, he goes, “You have to develop a thicker skin, kid. You’re 26.” I’m 28. He knows more about the dogs asshole than he does about my entire life.”

When asked how he feels about his only human daughter, he replied, “The blonde?” When told that his firstborn carrot top daughter was born with red hair, and has always had red hair, he replied, “Really? I always thought she was a blonde!”

“I really shouldn’t waste so much time being upset about something at involves a dog. I’m moving on. Because clearly he has too,” the Jim Gaffigan fan says, while staring into the distance.

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